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Archive through November 26, 2006
- Thread starter mhschoppaul
- Start date
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R
rvondohlen
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Update, Texas: Hunting season opened last weekend, the year's record rainfall has led to record size trophies.
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1. What's the best part about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
2. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
3. What does a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
4. Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.
5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.
7. What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard?
Her husband's last name.
8. What's the down side to a threesome?
You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
9. How do you know if you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they hump your leg.
10.Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
You can drop her off anywhere.
2. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
3. What does a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
4. Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.
5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.
7. What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard?
Her husband's last name.
8. What's the down side to a threesome?
You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
9. How do you know if you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they hump your leg.
10.Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
... Almost Clean 
The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N.Schitt,Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.
The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N.Schitt,Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the
fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the
fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
mhschoppaul
New member
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2005
- Messages
- 3
- displayname
- Michael Schoppaul
Subject: Top 10 ways that handguns are better than women.
#10 -- You can trade an old .44 for a new .22
#9 -- You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're on the road .
#8 -- If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 -- Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.
#6 -- Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 -- A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 -- Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 -- A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 -- A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And, the number one way a handgun is better than a woman:
#1 -- You can buy a silencer for a handgun!
#10 -- You can trade an old .44 for a new .22
#9 -- You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're on the road .
#8 -- If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 -- Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.
#6 -- Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 -- A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 -- Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 -- A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 -- A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And, the number one way a handgun is better than a woman:
#1 -- You can buy a silencer for a handgun!
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces,nephews,
or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T ! "
"Don't what? " Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve.we have forbidden fruit! "
"No Way ! "
"Yes way! "
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why ? "
"Because I am your Father and I said so! "God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you? " said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it! " Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them,God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact,they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces,nephews,
or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T ! "
"Don't what? " Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve.we have forbidden fruit! "
"No Way ! "
"Yes way! "
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why ? "
"Because I am your Father and I said so! "God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you? " said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it! " Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them,God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact,they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
New Directions for the war on terrorists.
"Send Prior Service Vets over 60 "
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a**hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me .... er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million ticked off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them!!!.
If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
"Send Prior Service Vets over 60 "
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a**hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me .... er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million ticked off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them!!!.
If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
Since you brought up age / military here's what erks me ...
<font color="0000ff">You can lay your life on the line for God and Country at age 18 ... but you can't buy a beer to celebrate your first kill until you're 21.</font>
Now is that screwed up or what !!
<font color="0000ff">You can lay your life on the line for God and Country at age 18 ... but you can't buy a beer to celebrate your first kill until you're 21.</font>
Now is that screwed up or what !!
kide
Well-known member
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2006
- Messages
- 3,779
- displayname
- Gerry Ide
Mike - great piece.. KentucK - I agree..
I do have one quibble "He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head." I'd say true, unless he's a weldor, too (that brim gets stuck in my helmet and keeps slag from going down the back of my sweatshirt..)
I do have one quibble "He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head." I'd say true, unless he's a weldor, too (that brim gets stuck in my helmet and keeps slag from going down the back of my sweatshirt..)
mgonitzke
Well-known member
Kraig-
Now I have another way to waste time.
