Archive through November 26, 2006

[mhschoppaul]

An Explanation of Life

On the first day God created the dog and

said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"



And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years."

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

[digger]

 

[btiarks]

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

 

[rbedell]

Brought to you by..

Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services

 

[rbedell]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago?. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none
of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

 

[gcoleman]

I got one... A doctor was talking to his patient and told him that he bad news and worse news... so the patient asks "Well Doc, what's the bad news?" the doctor replies that you only have 24 hours to live..."So, what's the worse news?" Doc says "I forgot to call you yesterday..."

 

[rbedell]

Geez....this what happens when those darn Restraining Orders get in the way...

 

[eburton]

COFFEE DRIKERS BEWARE!
The courtroom was packed during the testimony of the woman who was accused of putting poison in her husband's coffee. The woman had shown no emotion thus far, and her attorney was trying to garner sympathy from the jury.

"Tell me," he asked his client, "was there anytime when you felt pity for your husband?"

She thought for a moment. "Yes," she replied, "When he asked for a third cup."

 

[kmcconaughey]

At work we use a brand of toilet paper called POM 400. Yesterday I happened to notice something on the label of one of the rolls on the shelf. Thought it might give someone a laugh:

Hmmmm, I wonder if this particular roll is worth anything on ebay...........

 

[kweaver]

Leave it to Kraig to take a camera to the bathroom ... (insert imagination here)

 

[kmcconaughey]

KENtucky, naw, I brought the TP to my office.

 

[rbedell]

A Michigan man was stopped by a game warden in East Michigan recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back
into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After several minute s, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"





We in Michigan may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.

 

[kweaver]

Stolen (well , borrowed) from another forum...

Rectum Stretcher

While I was Driving down the road the other day (10 miles over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"
"I told him that I'm a rectum stretcher,"
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot a-hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs. $45.00

The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

 

[rbedell]

Winner of the 2007 Westminster Dog Show....

 

[jbrubaker]

Road kill Fire Department... Dodgin tires and fightin fires...

 

[mgault]

A big city corporate lawyer ran a stop sign in a small town in Texas, and is pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter tha n thishick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy say s, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."


At this point, The deputy takes out hi s nightstick and starts beating the heck out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

[mgault]

An elderly husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his elderly wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,” You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

 

[jniday]

HUSBAND IN BIG TROUBLE

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something
in
our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in
the
driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand new
bathroom scale.

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday

 

[mgault]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

 

[mhomrighausen]

How do you fix a broken tomato?


With tomato paste.