Archive through November 26, 2006

[kweaver]

Man it's hard to find "Clean" Yokes!

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

 

[kmoe]

The Bathtub Test.

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself
from time to time, and this should help get you started.


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not
a patient should be Institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and
ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[mgault]

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.


1.. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2.. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3.. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4.. No one knows your secret place.
5.. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the
world.
6.. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
7.. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the
face of the person you are holding underwater.
See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

 

[dcurrin]

The Balloon


A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the

house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable

to break something, but the boy continues.







"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping

center.



Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for

the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet

where he leaves it.







Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A

diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and

SPLASH, out it comes.



When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.

She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls

her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but

he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.



When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on

his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes

out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.



"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.



He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is

the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

 

[bmcmeen]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech, nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

<font size="-2">whatever you're thinking, stop it, ya perverts!</font>

 

[kweaver]

... that reminds me
How many bones are there in a woodpecker's neck?

 

[digger]

Kentuck,
That depends on if you want to count the hyoid bones too!

 

[aschumacher]

This an 'inside' joke that I missed somewhere ?

 

[kweaver]

Charlie - youz close but ... NOT!

answer: Just enough to hold his pecker up.


This may be a joke BUT it is a news headline that should make every man happy to read...
Semen now a happiness drug for women
http://tinyurl.com/2f9lsn

 

[aschumacher]

It's also been noted lately that Viagra can help with travel jet lag...as Jay Leno has well commented on recently.

 

[mgault]

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new
boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room
was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do
you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks’
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[mgault]

Strikes a little close to home for some of us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yN-6PbqAPM

 

[aschumacher]

I was gonna write something about Mikes entry, but cant remember what I wanted to say...

 

[fmorski]

Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of Budweisers.

Bubba said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, its a poolice roadblock!! We're gonna bet busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, " Earl says. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then we'll peel off the labels and stick then on our foreheads and then throw the bottles under the seat. "Just let me do the talkin'."

THey finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight, and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll been drinkin'?"

"No sir," says Earl while pointing at the labels.

"Me and Bubba's on the PATCH!"

 

[digger]

Boy, can I relate...

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
frickin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 

[kweaver]

 

[dtanner]

>
>>
>>A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
>>not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs
>>to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table
>>with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be
>>in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
>>
>>She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip
>>of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as
>>she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time
>>of night?"
>>
>>The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering
>>when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were
>>only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.
>>
>>The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so
>>caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband
>>pauses. The words were not coming easily.
>>
>>"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat
>>of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering
>>herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues.
>>
>>"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and
>>said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
>>jail for 20 years?"
>>
>>"I remember that, too" she replies softly.
>>
>>He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ... "I would
>>have gotten out today."

 

[kweaver]

Does this stuff really work or should I just keep telling the ol lady I seen a spider crawl inside the back of her shirt ?

 

[kwalesch]

A young boy walks into his parent's bedroom and finds his mom in bed with a stranger. His mother screams and orders him into the closet. Shortly afterward the husband comes home and the boyfriend is also ordered into the closet. The little boy says" Sure is dark in here!" The boyfriend says "Yeah".Boy says "I've got a baseball" The boyfriend says "That's good". The boy says "I'll sell it to you for $500!" The boyfriend says "That's way too much". Little boy says "I'll tell my Dad." Boyfriend agrees to buy the ball. A week later the same scene occurs again. The boy says "It sure is dark in here!" The boyfriend say's "Yeah." Little boy says "I've got a baseball mitt." Man says that's nice." Little boy say's "I'll sell it to you for $1,500! The boyfriend reluctantly agrees. Some time later the dad says to the kid "Hey lets play a little catch!" Little boy says "I sold my ball and mitt." The dad was upset and asked how much he sold it for, the kid told him and the dad was more upset and took the kid to confession. The little boy is kneeling in the confessional and he says "Boy it sure is dark in here!" The priest says "DON'T START UP WITH THAT **** AGAIN!!!!"

 

[jcarlton]

Mike's old man calls him to the house for a special talk before his wedding day, he sits Mike down and says, son when your mother and I were married, and walked into our honeymoon suite I took off my pants handed them to her and said here try these on...she said these don't fit they are much too big, I can never fill these....I said that's right I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and your mother and I have never had any problems since then son.
Mike is married in days, and as they walk into the honeymoon suite he closes the door takes off his pants and hands them to his new bride and says the same words his father did to his mother on their honeymoon...his wife takes her pant off and hands them to Mike, to which Mike says I can't get into these! She replies and you never will till you get rid of that smart @$$ attitude!