• This community needs YOUR help today. With the ever increasing fees of everything (server, software, domain, e-mail) , we need help. We need more Supporting Members, today. Please invest back into this community to help spread our love and knowledge of IH Cub Cadets. You get a lot of great new account perks including access to private forums. If you sign up for annual, I will ship a few IH Cub Cadet Forum decals too in addition to all the account perks you get. You can see what it looks like below.

    Sign up here: https://www.ihcubcadet.com/account/upgrades

Archive through November 28, 2012

IH Cub Cadet Tractor Forum

Help Support IH Cub Cadet Tractor Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

dschwandt

Well-known member
IHCC Supporter
Joined
Mar 31, 2012
Messages
5,283
Location
Eastern Iowa
displayname
David Schwandt
Well worth remembering.




An old Woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to
get - Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"



The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons - Better to spill half
my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle..!"
 
249621.jpg
 
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a
horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am
embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said
this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit
this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you
will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with
a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was
bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a
terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the
congregation roared.
 
At this time of the year, when the DUI roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some people have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on their way home from an occasional social event over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of drinks. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ... I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage. So please be careful my friends….otherwise you too may end up with a cab in your garage. Be Safe!
 
Don, David S posted the same thing on the last page,
 
Sven and Ole, two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by asks what they were doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, "said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.


Dave S.
 
Haven't visited here for awhile and need to catch up - but also wanted to pass along a few "Fighting Words" (I can't take credit for them, they were passed along by a fellow Cubber):

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
 
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a ****?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...
err.gif
 
John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said The Banker , "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied John.

"What kind of pills?" asked The Banker.

"I don't know, but they got a peppermint taste."

Dave S.
 
Ol' Don Tanner was a mighty man
Washed his face in a fryin' pan
Combed his hair with a wagon wheel
Died with a toothache in his heel
beerchug.gif
 
It's winter now in Iowa
and the gentle breezes blow,
40 miles per hour at 25 below!
Oh, how I love our Iowa
when the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
and your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
you may think that I'm a fool.
But I could never leave our Iowa,
‘cause I'm frozen to the stool

250930.gif
 
David - I don't see any chisel marks and was wonderin' if you made that scuplture with a chain saw - it's great!!!! Your work reminded me of an old rivalry back in the day when I lived in SD between the University and State U. The State guys would come to town and put on a show that included the following poem (it may fit with alot of places)

Far across the prairie....
Far as I can see...
Stands an ole abandoned Outhouse,
Called the University

Hey, still like Frank's little poem on Don T the best.
 
Harry, I can't take the credit for that as someone sent it to me, I should have stated that I guess!

I cant take credit for this one either.....

And oh, I didn't ask fo all this dern white stuff either, it was all these women over here in the samdbox, Bing Crosby and their conttin' pickin' white Chrstmas!!! I hope they are satisfied now!!

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
 
Good morning, Everyone!!!
250993.gif
Fancy here. I have to do this since Marlin's getting ready to show a set of chains to a couple. (Hope that he sells them. I need some Cub Fund $$$. Also my Kitty treats supply is getting low.)

With all the talk about measurements on the Main Forum reminds me of why the United States is so reluctant to go to an entirely Metric system of measuring things...>>> We don't want no foreign ruler.
biggrin.gif
 
Fancy: Sometimes it takes a couple seconds!
happy.gif

In what month does a woman talk the least?
February.
happy.gif
 
Very good advice for snowy weather !!!


The Blizzard and the Blonde It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over to Sears next.
 
Back
Top