Archive through July 20, 2008

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The Rude Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he
could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even
ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him
in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door
to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'

HAPPY EARLY THANKSGIVING

 

[kide]

Scott - I used to tell a slightly dirtier version of that, till my wife had heard it one too many times. When you give the punch line, try to sound like a shivering, very cold parrot....

 

[fcurrier]

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[mhomrighausen]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I overheard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart.

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with me (his cardiologist), he informed me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' With a look of complete confusion, she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning. While checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I just can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly.

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, And above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................. 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

 

[mgault]

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998..'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".

 

[stanner]

George and Rosemary

An elderly couple, George and Rosemary, were attending Mass.

About halfway through, Rosemary leaned over and whispered to George ,

"I just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?"






George replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

[dtanner]

Subject: The Blonde


THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice.
She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

 

[fcurrier]

Now THAT's a Canadian joke!!

 

[rchristensen]

Time to roll over