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Archive through June 06, 2010
- Thread starter aschumacher
- Start date
Help Support IH Cub Cadet Tractor Forum:
T-Mo
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jan 22, 2009
- Messages
- 428
- displayname
- Terry Reed
FOOTBALL TRUTHS ...
(1) What does the average Penn State player get on his SATs?
........Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
........A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
........Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get an Ohio State graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
......There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
....Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami ( Fla ) football player's life?
........His freshman year.
(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
........None. That's a sophomore course.
(9) Where was O. J. Headed in the white Bronco?
....... Ames , Iowa. He knew that the police would never look at Iowa State for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal clash).....
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
(1) What does the average Penn State player get on his SATs?
........Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
........A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
........Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get an Ohio State graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
......There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
....Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami ( Fla ) football player's life?
........His freshman year.
(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
........None. That's a sophomore course.
(9) Where was O. J. Headed in the white Bronco?
....... Ames , Iowa. He knew that the police would never look at Iowa State for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal clash).....
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
bmcmeen
Well-known member
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2002
- Messages
- 2,106
- displayname
- Bryan D. McMeen, Keeper of the Holy Hy-Tran
Another Ole and Sven groaner...
Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red IH M.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
"What on earth are you doing, Ole", says Sven
"Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Ole, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red IH M.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
"What on earth are you doing, Ole", says Sven
"Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Ole, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.
Number 10
You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
Number 9
Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it again.
Number 8
The uglier you look, the more likely you'll get some.
Number 7
You don't have to make small talk with the person who gave you the treat.
Number 6
The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing that you are someone else.
Number 5
If you get a stomach ache, it won't last for 9 months.
Number 4
If you wear a mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
Number 3
It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
Number 2
The next day you don't have to call the person that gave it to you.
And the . . Number 1 . . reason
trick-or- treating is better than sex.....
If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!
Number 10
You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
Number 9
Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it again.
Number 8
The uglier you look, the more likely you'll get some.
Number 7
You don't have to make small talk with the person who gave you the treat.
Number 6
The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing that you are someone else.
Number 5
If you get a stomach ache, it won't last for 9 months.
Number 4
If you wear a mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
Number 3
It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
Number 2
The next day you don't have to call the person that gave it to you.
And the . . Number 1 . . reason
trick-or- treating is better than sex.....
If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!
fcurrier
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2004
- Messages
- 3,155
- displayname
- Frank A. Currier(Northern Maine)
Puns for Educated Minds
1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
csanderson
Well-known member
- Joined
- Feb 26, 2005
- Messages
- 92
- displayname
- Curtis Sanderson
Ok, I'm no good at jokes, but it's Friday, and maybe this will bring a chuckle.
If you have google earth on your computer, open it up for directions, then put in Japan for start location, then put China for destination. In the direction column on the left, count down to direction #43 and see if you can't find some humor in the direction.
If you have google earth on your computer, open it up for directions, then put in Japan for start location, then put China for destination. In the direction column on the left, count down to direction #43 and see if you can't find some humor in the direction.
