Archive through January 31, 2008

[jhooke]

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms.. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the 'King James' into 'Jackson County' language..... No joke, read on...
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

 

[dtanner]

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are". The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undies and we can tell your exact age". Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his slacks. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old !" Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?" Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison-- "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

 

[dtanner]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher. "

 

[ccote]

A Zen master stops at a hotdog cart. The hotdog vendor asks him what he wants. The Zen master says "Make me one with everything..."

 

[glippert]

Ccote - Thanks. I jsut spent my "moment of zen" laughing!

 

[kweaver]

John Deere

 

[ccote]

Ken, that's a dirty joke around here!

 

[jcarlton]

Now Ken I was holding my son while reading the jokes, let's keep it clean. I let him know those words are inappropriate in this house...LOL

 

[dtanner]

> Subject: FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
>
>
>
> Dear Wife:
>
> I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've
> been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
> These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
> quit your job today and that was the last straw.
>
> Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,
> had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
> boxers . You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
> all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want
> sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
>
> Either you're ch eating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the
> case, I'm gone.
>
> Your EX-Husband
>
> P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
> Virginia together! Have a great life!
>
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
>
> Dear Ex-Husband -
>
> Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
> you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far
> cry from what you've been.
>
> I watch my soaps so much because they drown n out your constant whining
> and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
>
> I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
> came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
> not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
>
> And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
> with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
>
> About those new silk boxers : I turned away from you because the $49.99
> price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that
> my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
>
> After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
> So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought
> us two tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything
> happens for a reason, I guess.
>
> I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
> the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
>
> Signed,
>
> Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
>
> P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
> Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
>
>

 

[dtanner]

'MARIJUANA-FILLED FIREWOOD'
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave. ! ; Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

 

[glippert]

Today’s good advice:

Farmer John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layer hens, called “pullets” and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept accurate records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result: The judges not only awarded old Butch the No-Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise, as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them while they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully this year – the bells aren’t always audible!

 

[kweaver]

I tried fertilizing eggs once but I kept busting them with the tractor pulling the spreader !!

Lip - How true How true !

 

[dsauve]

Good one Lip

 

[jhooke]

GOD'S BUSY

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!!
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in and looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."

God Bless

 

[jhooke]

Cardboard Men

When Cardboard Men Come In Handy.
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!"

 

[proessler]

JOHN {jhooke} Your most recent jokes were Good! I like the "God's Busy" one especially ,it's Outstanding!!!! Did you ever hear the one about the Bear & the atheist?

 

[ebroberts]

You guys will love this one...If you haven't already seen it.

LOVE IN THE LATER YEARS

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became

aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of
her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he
proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over
her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gen tly feeling her hips, first one side and the
other.
His hand
ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her le ft thigh,
stopped

and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the
woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position
herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping"? she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote".

 

[ebroberts]

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
The sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
Again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing in your pants,
everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
Then get depressed because you can only think of 4

 

[ebroberts]

God's Problem Now

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous
burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling
thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

 

[kweaver]

And I guess if there had been a big earthquake and the ground cracked open he would have said ,"well she's there."