Archive through January 31, 2008

[jhooke]

> THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
>
> 1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
> 2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
> 3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
> 4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
> 5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
> 6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

 

[mjrobilotta]

when asked how many beers youve had today answer this this way-----
only two, the first, and the last

 

[mjrobilotta]

i got this one in a email from a buddy recently y'all oughta love it. its called fart football

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,

And accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides

 

[bbrigham]

Why parents drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
"Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman!"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?"
demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
" The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering,
the young voice
replied with
a muffled
giggle...
ME .

 

[eburton]

One smart feller He felt smart.
(Memorize and repeat 5 times real fast)
Doesn't work on everyone.

 

[mgault]

 

[klejeune]

Darn Chinese are making playground equipment now:

 

[dtanner]

You may find this helpful around the house/garage....

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

 

[dtanner]

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer

 

[jhooke]

A Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old
farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new
road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the government to go
where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm
land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee
running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The
bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the
employee at every step.

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card, smartass!!"