Archive through September 06, 2011

[aschumacher]

T o the tune of 'Grandma got runover by a reindeer<font size="-2">(sp)</font>.




THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA



The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy’, ’Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me.

 

[kweaver]

Will do , Roger , Willco , Over and out !
I don't want that old hag in my box !

 

[kweaver]

Not a joke but it made me think that Thanksgiving is coming up shortly and there will be lots of out of town family and in-laws getting together for vittles.

Table Manners

 

[aschumacher]

Ken, what type of relatives do you have ! ? ?

 

[kweaver]

Frank Watson sent me this ... I have NO idea why !

How to be cruel to old men

 

[stanner]

The Perfect Man....


A man walked out to the street and immediately catches a taxi in New York City . The cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like Brian. "

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete who could have won the Grand Slam at tennis or played golf with the pros. He sang like a bird, danced like a star and played the piano . He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer, remembered everybody's birthday and knew all about wine. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow... Some guy that Brian."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way in traffic and avoided every traffic jam. Brian never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his freakin' widow."

 

[jmburge]

An old woman is riding an elevator in a lavish store when a beautiful woman gets in the elevator, smelling of perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Another beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and turns to her and says, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"The old woman is about to get off the elevator but before she leaves, she looks both women in the eye, bends over and farts and says, "Cabbage" - 49 cents a pound

 

[wshytle]

POLICE STOP - 2:00 AM-

An eldrly man is stopped by the police around 2:00am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late".
The officer then asks, "Really?...who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "that would be my wife".

 

[jmburge]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. . The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'. I just lost it

 

[kweaver]

You can tell this one is old by the prices ...

This city slicker was driving out through the country one day and missed his turnoff. He saw a small drive and decided to turn around.

Misjudging the drive and not familiar with soft shouldered country roads the fellow found his Cadillac sliding into the ditch. Well it wasn't too long till a farmer came along on a tractor and saw the car in the ditch and stopped to help.

As the farmer was taking a tow chain out of the tool box the city slicker walked up and asked the farmer, "What are you doing? You can't hook that dirty old tractor to my $35,000 Cadillac!"

The farmer scratched his head a few seconds, put the chain away and said, "Your right, I can't hook my $45,000 tractor onto your $35,000 cadillac!" and the farmer drove away

 

[kweaver]

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic cow: $ 499.95
Shipping and handling: $ 35.75
Extra stomachs: $ 79.25
Two tone exterior: $ 142.10
Produce storage compartment: $ 126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper: $ 189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system: $ 149.20
Automatic fly swatter: $ 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery: $ 179.90
Deluxe dual horns: $ 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment: $ 339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly: $ 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb: $ 69.80

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $ 2843.36

Additional dealer adjustments: $ 300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $ 3143.36

 

[ewells]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE



A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.

 

[dtanner]

LOL

A FARMER DECIDED

HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN

AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

THE OLD FARMER SAID,
"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.

WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER

AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.

THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,

BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO

TWO OLD WIDOWS

THE MOVIE STARTED

AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. .

THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO

CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT

AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME

IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND

HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..

"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S

EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

 

[dtanner]

I found these today and thought I should share What challenged people will do. LOL

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS. Police in Reno, NV. spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted. 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Seattle, WA., Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun; unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hellooooooo!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried they couldn't get their brand new 22-foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putt-putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

 

[dross]

Read the whole sign here

 

[aschumacher]

Ahhhhhh...."smells like pepper".

 

[stanner]

We're doomed...

 

[dtanner]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.




The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[stanner]

I have a legal question...

Is this statutory rape?

Or is it just a moosedemeanor?

 

[aschumacher]

The scarey thing is there might be a slight amount of logic in the ending sentence !

Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'