CLEAN Jokes

[aschumacher]

Not to step on Kraigs post, but while I have the list....
Some old ones, some updates....
READ KRAIGS LIST TOO, some wonderful observations.


>.....some of these are excellent !!
>
> Here are the winners:
>
> 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house or car, which renders
> the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
>
> 2 Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
>
> 3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
> you realize it was your money to start with.
>
> 4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
>
> 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
> bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
> little sign of breaking down in the near future
>
> 6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
> getting laid..
>
> 7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
>
> 8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
> person who doesn't get it.
>
> 9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
>
> 10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
>
> 11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
> really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
> like, a serious bummer.
>
> 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
> consuming only things that are good for you.
>
> 13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
>
> 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
> they come at you rapidly.
>
> 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
> you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
>
> 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
> your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>
> 17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
> the fruit you're eating.
>
> The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
> yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
> meanings for common words.
>
> And the winners are:
>
> 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
>
> 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
> gained.
>
> 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
>
> 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
>
> 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
>
> 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
> a nightgown.
>
> 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
>
> 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
>
> 9. Flatulance, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
> run over by a steamroller.
>
> 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
>
> 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
>
> 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
>
> 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
>
> 14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
>
> 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
> up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
>
> 16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
> Jewish men

--
Regards

Allan Beets

 

[jbaker]

http://www.bentbay.dk/ring_of_Fire.htm

 

[bmcmeen]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams."
"If you are laughing, send me your smile."
"If you are eating, send me a bite."
"If you are drinking, send me a sip."
"If you are crying, send me your tears."
"I love you!"

The husband, replied,
"Am on toilet... Please advise."

 

[mhomrighausen]

Anyone feeling a little "plugged up" this morning? If so then CLICK HERE...

 

[aschumacher]

And they talk about bridges in the USA that need to be fixed.....

 

[jbaker]

gotta get me three of these! One in English one in Spanish and one in Arabic.
Wouldn't want to be called racist, as I'm an equal opportunity shooter . .

 

[jbaker]

The last argument
}


O.K. Honey!

We're here!

I said I was sorry!

You can come out now.

 

[dschwandt]

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit and I've heard the people are crazy there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation".

Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home,go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe aplace as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to
death. But if you live there and say it's OK,
I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a
living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

 

[kide]

Actually, there is not much violence in the former "Murder City" anymore - not much in the way of residents, either.. Saginaw and Flint are now taking top honors... I get into Saginaw about once a week, thinking of dropping the seats of my Sport Trac down like the bangers do and getting some 1/4" plate for the door panels....

 

[dschwandt]

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria, Minnesota . The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said,'Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked.'

'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls.'

'Is that right?', his policeman friend asked.

'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom! 'So vee all go into the bedroom....where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' 'Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'

I guess I'm the first one here!

 

[memorgan]

Your killin me Dave!!!

 

[fcurrier]

There's always something good to say about anybody. For example:

A new preacher came to town just in time to perform a funeral service for an old man who wasn't well liked, to put it mildly. Towards the end of the service the preacher explained that being new to town and not knowing the old man personally he'd appreciate someone saying a kind word for the deceased. No one spoke until the preacher asked again and a long-time resident stood up and said:

"Well, Preacher, he wasn't as bad as his brother was."

 

[lbuttke]

THIS WILL GIVE YOU CHILLS:

AFTER A FEW OF THE USUAL SUNDAY EVENING HYMNS, THE CHURCH'S PASTOR SLOWLY STOOD UP, WALKED OVER TO THE PULPIT AND, BEFORE HE GAVE HIS SERMON FOR THE EVENING, HE BRIEFLY INTRODUCED A GUEST MINISTER WHO WAS IN THE SERVICE THAT EVENING.

IN THE INTRODUCTION, THE PASTOR TOLD THE CONGREGATION THAT THE GUEST MINISTER WAS ONE OF HIS DEAREST CHILDHOOD FRIENDS AND THAT HE WANTED HIM TO HAVE A FEW MOMENTS TO GREET THE CHURCH AND SHARE WHATEVER HE FELT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR THE SERVICE....

WITH THAT, AN ELDERLY MAN STEPPED UP TO THE PULPIT AND BEGAN TO SPEAK.
'A FATHER, HIS SON, AND A FRIEND OF HIS SON WERE SAILING OFF THE PACIFIC COAST ,' HE BEGAN.
'WHEN A FAST APPROACHING STORM BLOCKED ANY ATTEMPT TO GET BACK TO THE SHORE.

THE WAVES WERE SO HIGH, THAT EVEN THOUGH THE FATHER WAS AN EXPERIENCED SAILOR, HE COULD NOT KEEP THE BOAT UPRIGHT AND THE THREE WERE SWEPT INTO THE OCEAN AS THE BOAT CAPSIZED.'

THE OLD MAN HESITATED FOR A MOMENT, MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH TWO TEENAGERS WHO WERE, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE SERVICE BEGAN, LOOKING SOMEWHAT INTERESTED IN HIS STORY..

THE AGED MINISTER CONTINUED WITH HIS STORY,
'GRABBING A RESCUE LINE, THE FATHER HAD TO MAKE THE MOST EXCRUCIATING DECISION OF HIS LIFE: TO WHICH BOY WOULD HE THROW THE OTHER END OF THE LIFE LINE.

HE ONLY HAD SECONDS TO MAKE THE DECISION.

THE FATHER KNEW THAT HIS SON WAS A CHRISTIAN AND HE, ALSO, KNEW THAT HIS SON'S FRIEND WAS NOT..

THE AGONY OF HIS DECISION COULD NOT BE MATCHED BY THE TORRENT OF WAVES.

AS THE FATHER YELLED OUT, 'I LOVE YOU, SON!'

HE THREW OUT THE LIFE LINE TO HIS SON'S FRIEND.

BY THE TIME THE FATHER HAD PULLED THE FRIEND BACK TO THE CAPSIZED BOAT, HIS SON HAD DISAPPEARED BENEATH THE RAGING SWELLS INTO THE BLACK OF NIGHT.

HIS BODY WAS NEVER RECOVERED.

BY THIS TIME, THE TWO TEENAGERS WERE SITTING UP STRAIGHT IN THE PEW, ANXIOUSLY WAITING FOR THE NEXT WORDS TO COME OUT OF THE OLD MINISTER'S MOUTH.

'THE FATHER,' HE CONTINUED, 'KNEW HIS SON WOULD STEP INTO ETERNITY WITH JESUS AND HE COULD NOT BEAR THE THOUGHT OF HIS SON'S FRIEND STEPPING INTO AN ETERNITY WITHOUT JESUS.. THEREFORE, HE SACRIFICED HIS SON TO SAVE THE SON'S FRIEND. '

HOW GREAT IS THE LOVE OF GOD THAT HE SHOULD DO THE SAME FOR US. OUR HEAVENLY FATHER SACRIFICED HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON THAT WE COULD BE SAVED. I URGE YOU TO ACCEPT HIS OFFER TO RESCUE YOU AND TAKE A HOLD OF THE LIFE LINE HE IS THROWING OUT TO YOU IN THIS SERVICE.'

WITH THAT, THE OLD MAN TURNED AND SAT BACK DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AS SILENCE FILLED THE ROOM.

THE PASTOR AGAIN WALKED SLOWLY TO THE PULPIT AND DELIVERED A BRIEF SERMON WITH AN INVITATION AT THE END. HOWEVER, NO ONE RESPONDED TO THE APPEAL.

WITHIN MINUTES AFTER THE SERVICE ENDED, THE TWO TEENAGERS WERE AT THE OLD MAN'S SIDE.

'THAT WAS A NICE STORY,' POLITELY STATED ONE OF THEM, 'BUT I DON'T THINK IT WAS VERY REALISTIC FOR A FATHER TO GIVE UP HIS ONLY SON'S LIFE IN HOPES THAT THE OTHER BOY WOULD BECOME A CHRISTIAN.'

'WELL, YOU'VE GOT A POINT THERE,' THE OLD MAN REPLIED, GLANCING DOWN AT HIS WORN BIBLE. A BIG SMILE BROADENED HIS NARROW FACE. HE ONCE AGAIN LOOKED UP AT THE BOYS AND SAID, 'IT SURE ISN'T VERY REALISTIC, IS IT? BUT, I'M STANDING HERE TODAY TO TELL YOU THAT STORY GIVES ME A GLIMPSE OF WHAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE FOR GOD TO GIVE UP HIS SON FOR ME.

YOU SEE...
I WAS THAT FATHER AND YOUR PASTOR IS MY SON'S FRIEND.'

 

[aschumacher]

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route!"

 

[aschumacher]

> The day after
> his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
> man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State
> Troopers."We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some
> information about your wife," said one of the
> troopers."Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens
> exclaimed. The troopers looked at each other. One said,
> "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really
> great news.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Which would you like to hear first?"
> Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad
> news first."The trooper said, "I'm sorry to
> tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's
> body in Kachemak Bay.""Oh my God!" Exclaimed
> Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
> good news? The trooper continued, "When we pulled her
> up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized
> Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are
> entitled to a share in the catch. Stunned, Mr. Wilkens
> demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's
> the great news?" The trooper replied, "We're
> gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

[jchamberlin]

Allen: I love your sense of humor, but the last one deserves a head-slap.

 

[kostendorf]

Deer crossing.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1524437927376

 

[aschumacher]

That deer wasn't much bigger than the dog! The look on the dogs face is priceless.

 

[dschwandt]

Guess I'll be missing out on this game!

 

[dtanner]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."