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snicklas

snicklas

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
828
Location
Greenfield, Indiana
displayname
Scott Nicklas
What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to
the instructor declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite
flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,'Gold
Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy
 
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, th e man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:0 0 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was abo ut to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:0 0 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
 
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'
 
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
A s they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
 
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife
Tearfully she explained,

"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I
had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.



Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told
him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the
alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without
breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked
the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window
to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."


He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the
cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the
floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels
and
the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on
the
open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase
with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the
floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to
use a rectal thermometer.


And believe me mister, as God is
my witness, all I did was tell her."
 
It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is
raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times,
everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her
"services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the
rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.....
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.
 
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name..
He replied, "She called Four Horses"..
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
 
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An Old Farmer's Advice:

*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the success of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience... and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

*Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he's libel to jus' rare back'n kill you. (THIS IS MY FAVORITE)))))))))))))))

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply, love generously, care deeply, and speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Author Unknown....another one o' them getting passed around these days..
 
The wife returned home from shopping and saw he husband had the fly swatter. Killing flies she asked. Yep he replied. I got three males and two females. The wife said How do you know their sex? He replied three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.
 
First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."
 
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THIS IS INDIA.. IT 'S WHERE YOU CALL WHEN YOU HAVE A TECHNICAL PROBLEM WITH YOUR COMPUTER.
 
Richard; I climbed poles for the power co. for 37 years. But i don't think i could handle that.
 
From our local SwapBuySell Guide:
FOR SALE: Set of encyclopedias. No longer needed -- wife knows everything.
 

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